Under the Tuscan Sun...

One of my favourite movies... Maybe it is the romance of it all.  The female solidarity..  I just know I have to go...

I've been researching like a mad woman.  Firstly tours for over 40's.  Interestingly enough there are tours for people from 28 to 42 (okay, right about now I admit I am researching tours for singles..  Sigh...).  And people (singles) over 45.  The only tours I fall in are 42 to 64.  What are the odds I'd be the only person in their 40's on the trip?  Pretty good I think.. 

Apparently I fall into the "age black hole". 

So if anyone out there knows of a good tour to go on, I'd be very appreciative of advice.

I want to take about a month off (don't tell my boss just yet).  I'd like to go at a nice time of the year.  I don't want to end up with a group of mature people on zimmer frames (no offence old people). I want to, need to, make new friends.  I want to stare in awe at monuments, I want to be so immersed in the trip I forget the last 18 months has been interesting, to say the least.  I want to have fun and laugh.  I wan to be surrounded by people so I forget the loneliness I feel on a regular basis.

Look forward to your comments and advice.

Axxx

Internet Dating

Worlds shortest blog.  Well, my shortest blog.  Don't do it.  Ever.

The end. 

Farmer Wants a Wife

I toyed, briefly, with the idea of applying for the 2017 “Farmer Wants a Wife”.  I’ve watched it a few times and didn’t find it overly offensive.  Maybe it wasn’t – but after this season I have decided no more.  I cannot watch it.

Any who back to me considering applying because it connects this blog together.  Before this season aired I chuckled to myself about me going on national television and finding the love of my life who was a farmer and moving back to the land (you may remember, I am a farm girl originally).  I figured the biggest challenge would be the probability of there being a Westfield within 500 kilometres of the farm; but I am dedicated enough to drive 500kms to go shopping OR I can learn to love shopping online.  So with that challenge overcome, I sat down to watch the first episode.

Uh yeah.  We all know I am 44.  This put me in the age category to, at a stretch, be matched up with Lachie (37 from memory) from Camden (high fiving myself at this stage, I could probably be at a Westfield within 30 minutes from his farm - he was clearly out in front!!) and Lance (52 from memory and from somewhere I can’t recall, such was my interest in him).  Note; let’s forget Jed, I would have eaten him alive.

Some of us know Lachie from another reality tv show which didn’t end happily.  I didn’t think much of it and watched him on FWAW with interest as he got to know the women he chose to attend his "home stay".  Ouch.  What an arse.  He is actually a rude, obnoxious nob who doesn’t like strong women.  He would rather talk over women than listen and address what is being said.  Good luck Belinda.  I think your life at the beach would be more enjoyable than Camden.

And Lance.  Can I swear?  I mean really badly?  Use the bad, bad word everyone hates (but me apparently)……..  No?  Okay, I won’t but be warned, I came close.  What a fucking horrible human being.  I get that channel whatever it was is responsible for making him look like a fucking horrible human being but seriously.  You practically destroyed a woman on national tv.  What was the point of that (other than hoping for good ratings)? 

Let me tell you Lance and channel whatever you are; life as someone a little older is freaking hard work on the dating scene.  I know this.  I am on that dating scene.  I am old.  But that can form part 2 and maybe part 3 another day, as this is about how this show could be classified as anything but a way to humiliate people?

Yep, their choice to go on the show.  Get that.  What I don’t get is how you think it is appropriate to do that to another human being?

Lisa – my love – you dodged a bullet.  Seriously, you did.  You are brave, smart, funny and beautiful.  Your prince is out there.  Lance was not it.

I could ramble for pages but will leave you for now.  Let’s explore being 44 and single tomorrow shall we?  God, do I have some stories for you.  The question would be where on earth would I start?  Men with baggage (enough to fill an A380)?  Internet dating? 

 

Let me ponder and get back to you.

 

One of Everything

As summer clicks over into autumn, which is March to anyone out there from outside Australia, I have just realised I have gotten through a Christmas, New Years’ Eve, my birthday and Valentines Day on my own.  Next to tackle is Easter and then I should be done.  Hopefully.  Or, I will just have learned how to manage it.  Dr Phil (disclaimer, I do not watch him, a friend told me about this segment) apparently says that you need to go through one of everything in order to start getting over the worst of a separation/divorce/loss of a loved one.  So one Christmas, one birthday, one anniversary etc – you get my drift.  There may be some truth to that.  Because every day is a little bit easier than the last.  The hardest part of this whole situation is feeling lonely.  Not all the time, just some of the time.

 

Recently someone said to me they feel for me not having family in the state I live and how did I cope on my own without siblings or parents around.  And the simple answer is, they haven’t been around, physically at least, for 26 years.  I don’t deny on a Sunday it would be nice to go and see my dad and mum, or cook them dinner every now and then.  Or see my niece when I want as opposed to twice a year.  But at the end of the day I learned to live without them in my life a very long time ago.  Doesn’t mean I don’t miss them though.

One of the hardest things to come to terms with, as a single person, is weekends.  There are only so many weekends you can spend on your own – especially in summer when I want to be outdoors doing things (it is hard to bbq for one..  So this summer I haven't enjoyed one bbq'd meal - I am gutted!  Seriously, I am devastated I just realised that).  Don’t get me wrong I have friends, not squillions but a good few, but they are all married with kids so the time I spend with them is quality not quantity.  Sometimes we go weeks without communicating.  It is just the way it is.  In an ideal world I'd be 44 and have a raft of single friends who could go out for dinner or spend the weekend away..  Yeah, that's not reality.

 

Another challenge is saying out loud you need help.  Whether it be to do something domesticated around the house or because you need advice on something…  When you live on your own you don’t want to bother people, so you tend to try to solve things on your own.  The same person who told me they feel for me not being surrounded by family also gave me some good advice about asking for help, when I admitted I don’t ever ask.  They said (not verbatim, but you’ll get the drift): “How do you ever expect people to know you need/want help if you aren’t prepared to ask.  The world is too busy today to notice you need help, you need to ask for it or it’ll just pass you by”.  I’ll keep working on that.   Maybe one day I will learn to ask for help out loud. For now the cat has the privilege of listening to me.  On the upside I have perfected a lot of "McGyveresque" type maneuvers.  Just when I thought I couldn't fix something, hey presto, I come up with a great idea.

So this has to change.  This being lonely thing that is.  I have given in and googled what people can do on their own on weekends.  I am now armed with a list of things a mile long.  From going to country markets to spending a weekend in the mountains at a spa resort (their web site outlines what I can do there for 24 hours as a single!!) to catching a movie – there are plenty of things I can do.  And I am going to start doing them.  As soon as I get back from seeing my family.  3 sleeps till I hug my niece, take the mickey out of my sister and sit there in companionable silence with my dad just watching tv.

I can sit at home and while the hours away with the cat or I can get off my butt and get out and about.  I’ll do the latter.  Who knows, I may meet new people and someone to take some of the loneliness out of weekends…  Here’s hoping!  xx

Fair Weather Friends

My oh my this getting old buso is wrong.  In the last few months some friends who I have had in my life since the late 90's/early 2000's have had some really rotten things happen..

But before I go into the rotten things I do want to say... 

One of those friends is the step sister of my abusive ex.  She, let's call her Maggie, for arguments sake, is the most amazing and wonderful person.  Maggie is full of love and just pure joy.  When I was with her step-brother (and normally I would not differentiate but in this case I need to) I am not sure she had any idea what was going on.  She was so young and carefree.  But she was my friend.  When I was a size 10 and still thought I was rubbish, she propped me up.  We laughed (if you are reading this, remember zooming down the highway back to the Gold Coast singing at the top of our lungs to Faith Hill - I remember like it was yesterday), smoked far too many cigarettes over coffee - at 7am, in Brisbane, while we waited to go to work (hell, we chose to get up at 5am in those days!) and generally just did "happy stuff".

Maggie lost her mum some years ago.  Essentially, my ex mother in law.  But I didn't know.  As we had drifted apart.  It was necessary for my healing.  We connected again, not sure how (feel free to chime in here Maggie) and it has added such a wonderful dimension to my life again.  We are not close, as in besties, but every now and then we reconnect and it feels like yesterday.

We connected again and I was to find out she had also lost her father recently.  Essentially leaving her in the world with her husband and her son, which is not alone but can make you feel very vulnerable.  I am so sorry my friend, life can be terrible sometimes.  I know he was your world.  I can't bring him back and I can't fix it.  But I can say the sun will shine again one day, I promise.

Another friend is my ballsy American friend, let's call her, Emily.  Emily bounded into my life in April 2000 and wow, I never looked back.  She kicked me under the table when I called our CEO a self righteous c*** (sorry readers, but he was, he was a right, asshole) and supported me when, surprisingly, I got "retrenched" two weeks later... Again, she has faded in and out of my life for 16 years.  We chat occasionally but recently spent a weekend together after the passing of her, well, the love of her life.  Only thing is he didn't really know...  Well, he did, but it was difficult...  I was going to my magical place at the beach and Emily joined me.  We drank too much, cried a lot and enjoyed a walk along the beach, where a pod of dolphins magically appeared.  About 40 of them.  You ask anyone who frequents that beach - it is unheard of.  We both think it was the love of her life telling her he was there..

Anyway, where I am going with this is, over the last 18 months I have felt there have been a lot of fair weather friends in my life.  But these two remind me that good friends are not people you talk to every day, every week or every month.  They are friends who are there, over time and over years.  Regardless of circumstance.

Thank you "Maggie" and "Emily".  You rock.  And you remind me - there are true friends out there who are not fair weather.  I look forward to many happy years with you both in it.

Axxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks A Bundle - Life Is Full of Surprises!

Some really cool things have happened in my life over the last 24 hours...  The type of things that have put a smile on my face and make me realise that I am in such a good place compared to this time last year...

The first point is HUGE - the others pale in significance but still have gone a long way to making me feel good...

1. I arrive at work today to find a package waiting for me - from Sabah, so it says...  It is a postcard and small gift from someone who reads my blog and wanted to say I was an inspiration..  WOW - on so many levels.  It was anonymous - which I am going to be honest does worry me somewhat BUT I am also so surprised someone went to so much trouble to send me something with a personalised note.  So if you are indeed out there, thank you, you made my day.  I'd like to know how you connected my blog to me professionally so if you wanted to comment anonymously I'd appreciate it.. 
2. I was in Bunnings yesterday (yes, I go for the sausage sizzle but I was also pricing blinds and an awning!) and a woman is smiling at me as I approach her.  She asks me about my personalised plates on my car, tells me how great they are and she wishes she was "allowed" to get plates that great (I told her I had to get a divorce in order to get them, she laughed a lot and said she was probably too old..) and that she sees me zipping around all the time..  My plates are awesome, if not a bit showy, but who cares I say!
3. And finally I had to change an appointment I had today and when I gave the customer service rep my surname, he confirmed my first name and then said "your first name sounds like it should belong to a super hero - it's a really great name".

So there you have it.  Sometimes nice things do happen.  It is only Monday and I have a spring in my step and a smile on my face.

Thanks a bundle, I am feeling pretty good right about now.

When I See You Again...

One of my favourite songs.. 

Can you believe I have never seen a "Fast and Furious"?  And there is 7 of them??  WTF?? Yes, you probably can..  I am too busy watching chick flicks to watch movies about cars (this was what it was about, right?)..

I had no idea who Paul Walker was..  Ever since this song, I do now.

I have not known the real pain of losing someone too many times..  My pop (Mum's father) passed away in 2002..  June 4 2002 to be precise.  That was pain.  Gut wrenching, stab me in the heart pain.  My pop was my world.  He taught me..  Everything... 

Okay, for those who read this who know my family, I lost my nan (Dad's mother) in a year soon after..  I remember this only because it was AFL Grand Final Day..  But I can't tell you the year.  I am sure my Nan loved me in her own special way, just not the way my Pop loved me.. My family, it is complicated...  And best left for another day..

Anyway, back to the song..  Today I found out my great aunt on my mum's side (Pop's sister), has passed away. And I'm so sad.

Sad I haven't seen her for a long time.  Sad I'll never get to say goodbye.  Sad I didn't get to tell her awesome she was one more time.
 

As the words to the song go: "I'll tell you all about it when I see you again". 

 

You taught me that champagne fixes EVERYTHING!!!  I even dedicated a blog to you years ago..  You taught me because I don't have chilren I am no lesser a woman.  Sadly, probably the last time I spoke to you..  Shame on me..  Getting Old Is A Bitch

You told me on my wedding day back in 2004 that I was perfect.  That my hour glass figure was coveted in the 1950's through 1970's - and you should know right?  You were a mannequin dresser for Grace Bros for many years and dressed many "stars" along with that.  You told me no matter how much society dictated I should have a child, it was my decision and the whole world could get stuffed if they thought otherwise.  You taught me that parking your car on the street because your garage was filled, wall to wall, with French Champagne just made sense!

Christ this getting old business is wrong.  Perhaps I need to learn to seize the moment?  Maybe when I wake up tomorrow I will...  Perhaps.... 

RIP Auntie Barbie.  You were awesome.  I am going to miss you so very much.  I am sorry I wasn't a better great niece in your later years.