Mitchell Pearce

Earlier this week I had a rather strong opinion about Mitchell Pearce and his "Australia Day antics", shall we call them.  I was pretty black and white.  I'm taking it back.

As I sit here in the middle of a black out, going into hour 3 of no power, I have had time to think about life was before social media...  I was pretty damning of his behaviour and how he had bought his family into disrepute..  Guess what?  Flashbulb moment - some of the stuff I got up to in the 90's was pretty...  Interesting..  The difference?  I had no spot light on me. There was no social media so my parents could see what I'd been up to..  I guess I am lucky to have done all my "stupid shit" long before the internet...

True story..  I was out not long ago, a few champers under the belt and some bright spark wanted to take a photo of me and I said "hell no, I work in the corporate world, and that world does not need to see me after a few champagnes".   Aren't I lucky I could say that?  Now, it was only me dancing like a loon (no one need see this.  EVER!!) but I have a right for the world to not see me being a dick.  And guess what?  So does he.  And every other "role model" in Australia, sport or otherwise.

Yes, I agree they get paid shit loads but at what price?  I feel for his parents.  I have met Wayne Pearce a few times over the years and he is the kindest human being.  He doesn't deserve this.  His family don't deserve this.  Mitchell doesn't deserve this.  He is a human being who made a mistake.  A silly, drunken mistake.  Okay, he's made a few but if he was "Mr Normal" would we care? No, we would not.

I think if we are going to pour adulation onto these "stars" then there is a big business out there for someone who can truly educate them.  I don't have the answer on how to do this.  I don't know how we make them understand alcohol and drugs do not maketh the person.  I do know it seems more prevalant in males than females.  Or maybe it isn't.

I think back to how I defended Ricky Ponting in the 90's (early 2000's) after his "Kings Cross encounter.  And how I defended Todd Carney in 2014 (2015?) after his "uh, urination" thing.

If I am grateful for anything it is I am a "no one" in the big scheme of things.  I send dumb text messages after too many wines (I am 44, I have sent many, unfortunately..)..  I have seen photos of "big nights out" that make my eyes water.  The difference?  No one is out for my reputation or blood.  Yes, I am not a "role model" to the world, but I am a role model to others in my industry.  It would pay me to remember that on my next big night out.

I wish you nothing but recovery Mitchell.  I wish you nothing but good things in life.  If every one in my age bracket (over 40, obviously) had pictures and video of the dumb stuff we did, we'd be sunk.  Or at least a lot embarrassed.

Recipe for Forgiveness..

You take:

• The love of a very few wonderful people who never gave up (How? Good god,  I was a pain in the ass)
• A patient boss (how has he not sacked me yet?)
• 14 months of tears
• The love of a beautiful cat who adores me no matter how much of a horrid mood I'm in (Lily)
• Valium (not recommended)
• A chance meeting with someone who is more broken than you (and my heart goes out to him, sooo much, but I can't fix me and him just now)
• A chance email from someone from your past who has heard you are having hard times (that tells you STOP, ENOUGH)
• Music - all kinds (but gosh Adele rocks, if you want to cry, I recommend her - WELCOME BACK!!!)
• Time

Mix it with:

• The love of a very few wonderful people who never gave up (How? Good god,  I was a pain in the ass)
• A patient boss (how has he not sacked me yet?)
• 14 months of tears
• The love of a beautiful cat who adores me no matter how much of a horrid mood I'm in (Lily)
• Valium (not recommended)
• A chance meeting with someone who is more broken than you (and my heart goes out to him sooo much, but I can't fix me and him just now)
• An email from someone from your past who has heard you are having hard times (that tells you STOP, ENOUGH) 
• Music - all kinds (but gosh Adele rocks, if you want to cry I recommend her - WELCOME BACK!!!)
• Time
• Forgiveness - because you are not the horrid person you were led to believe you are  - you are human, you made mistakes - that's life, right??   Yes it is.

And you've about got it.

2016 is about:

• No more tears (except when I choose)
• No more trying to be perfect - I am who I am
• Moving forward - broken pieces and all - time heals all wounds
• Friends (that never EVER gave up)
• Family
• Lily - #lilythecutestcat
• Music - all kinds (sorry, perhaps no more Adele for the moment BUT welcome back!)
• New friends (who ever you are)
• Old friends (you know who you are)

Thank you so much.  I would have never have made it through.  Honestly.  I would never have made it through.

A favourite line from a movie:  "Enough.  Enough Now." (Love Actually)

Dreams.. What do they mean?

Last night I dreamed I was with work colleagues on a small plane and we were forced to make an emergency landing.  We landed in a small African community in the middle of nowhere.  I wasn't afraid.  The people were friendly and gave us cotton clothing to wear because of the harsh heat.  I emailed my work (which is mad because who has service in the middle of nowhere) and told them we were safe and to come and get us when they could. I don't know which work colleagues I was with nor who the pilot was.  I do remember the plane was a small aircraft, white with red writing (I remember seeing the letters KENY on the side of the plane).  I remember feeling happy and safe but because of the lovely people in the village not because of my work colleagues.  Any interpretation appreciated. 

Stop the Violence

Like most of Australia I have been horrified at the domestic violence that has claimed the lives of far too many women this week.  62 in total for the year - averaging 2 women a week who die at the hand of their partners/ex-partners in Australia.  I mean seriously, WTF? How, as a country, do we continue to sweep this under the carpet?

Some of you may remember a blog I wrote back in 2012 (and have published a few times since then, usually in honour of White Ribbon Day that takes place in November each year).  For those of you who haven't read it - here it is: It Can Happen To Anyone

I was one of these women.  I lived in fear for the best part of 7 years.  The abuse started a few months into what seemed, an idyllic relationship and grew, to what I can only describe as, monstrosity over the years.

I've been a great advocate of #stoptheviolence for many years, ever since I had the courage to speak out (it takes years for you to realise it was not your fault and for the fear to subside).  I initially spoke out because I know someone who puts up with, what I classify as, severe mental abuse, and I'd never told her my story.  I wanted to let her know if it can happen to anyone and it is nothing to be ashamed of.  

I wanted to let her know NO ONE deserves this treatment.  No one asks for it.  No one wants it. But unfortunately it happens.  It is an all too common occurrence.  But it is something we, as a country, tend to brush under the carpet.  And it is only because it has actually been reported that anyone is sitting up and taking notice.  And it is only because some serious Australian personalities are actually speaking out and not letting it slide into media history that we are talking about it.

I do want to say I was living on the Gold Coast when I left him (1999/2000).  And the night I "escaped" and found myself booked into a hotel at 2am I did ring the QLD police.  And they did turn up within minutes.  And they did take me seriously (I guess the voice mail on my mobile telling me to get my arse home or he'd hunt me down and kill me was enough for them to know I was petrified).  They insisted I take out an AVO (actually, I think it was law back then, you report domestic violence, they take out an AVO on your behalf, but I could be wrong).  But I was too petrified of the repercussions so instead I begged them not to and that I was leaving the state. I resigned from my job and high tailed it back to NSW within 5 days.  But you can read my story above.

I am angry.  I am saddened.  I am frustrated.  And I don't know how to help other than to say if you are reading this and you need help, you are not alone.  You do not need to "put up" with this.  You do not need to live another day in fear.  But I do know it is not that easy.  

If I can help message me.  But I know you probably won't do that either.  And that makes me feel very helpless.  Like the majority of Australia.

Australia, #stoptheviolence.  Please. There were many times I didn't think I'd survive. I nearly didn't.  And I am thankful every day I did.  I must remember that when life throws me curve balls. As it has done in 2015.  But this year is nothing compared to 1993 to 2000. 

Relax, Breath & Let Go

I saw this clip this morning and it resonated.  We are so "busy being" instead of "doing" it is exhausting.  It isn't just women, it is men too.

2015 hasn't been the finest year and I've tried to keep going as best I can, while sometimes feeling I will explode.  Due to the not so perfect year I have instead put pressure on myself to be the perfect employees, the perfect friend, the perfect daughter.  And I don't think I have perfected anything other than sending myself balmy at times.

It's funny, when someone asked me what I was doing last weekend and I responded with "Nothing, not a thing, I may not even leave my house", I got a look of dismay.  Does spending time looking after me mean I am lazy?  I don't think so.  I think it means I want some time out to do things I want to do not having to shine brightly in a public setting or put on a face of makeup every day (oh is that not the best feeling ever!).  Even if that is just shuffling around my house, pottering in the garden and taking an afternoon snooze on the couch.  It makes me happy.

So watch the clip, take it in (and there are a lot of comments about it being counter productive because it is advertising something - I didn't think that at all.  I thought it was some beautiful, mature aged women giving some advice to the younger generations).

Relax, Let Go and Breath - you will thank yourself for it one day.

Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran - 29 April 2015

I woke up at 5am this morning but instead of turning over and going back to sleep I immediately checked my phone.  I went to news.com.au convinced that the Indonesian Government would have spared the lives of Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran.  Actually, I wasn't convinced at all.  I was praying it wouldn't tell me that at approximately 3am AEST 12 faceless men with automatic weapons had not killed, sorry, murdered, two young men who had turned their lives around.  I was wrong on all counts.  And I am so damn angry.  I am so damn sad.  I am so damn sickened.

For anyone reading this with a different opinion, that's fine.  But spare me the lecture about how they knew what they were doing and how they rolled the dice and lost.  Spare me the lectures that the drugs they were attempting to smuggle would have killed many more.  I don't disagree that what they did was wrong and they should have been made to pay.  Believe me, I reckon they paid every day they were in that shit hole prison.  Their families paid.  And ultimately they paid.  With their lives.

None of us are perfect.  We've all made mistakes. 

This barbaric act will not stop drugs entering the corrupt cesspool that is Indonesia.  I have no idea how to stop it.  But I can tell you sticking a hood over someone's head, tying them to a pole and taking aim has not solved the drug problem.

This was an act of a government who was flexing muscle.  I cannot fathom the total lack of, hell, anything, but especially the lack of courtesy and respect they showed to the families.  I cannot believe, well actually I can believe, they ignored our governments plea to spare the lives of two young men who made a terrible judgement call over 10 years ago.

Does the name Muhammad Cholili mean anything to you?  It should.  He was the murdering smiling assassin who played a major part in the Bali bombing in October 2005. Killing 20 people.  4 Australians.  He was paroled in August 2014 (Read the Story Here).

This was a man who premeditated the murder of many innocent people.  Yet he roams free.  It is yet another example of it is not what you know in Indonesia, it is who you know.  And how much money you have.

I cried tears today.  I could have cried a waterfall.  It shocked me to the core.  It is 2015 and the date of April 29th will be etched in my memory for ever.  

On this day every year I promise to remember you both. I promise to light a candle and say a prayer for you and your loved ones.  I promise you I will not forget you.

Opinions are divided about whether we as a nation should take a stand and boycott your country.  I know it will not do the people of your land any favours but to be honest, I am fresh out of favours.  I will never step foot in your country.  My taxes have helped pay for the aid your country required over the years. That is where the buck stops for me.  

Rest in peace Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran. 

Life Lessons

I am in the place that makes me happy.  Gerroa.  I haven't ventured here for a while. Life got busy.  Doing stuff.  

I was chatting to a "Gerroa" friend.  And believe me.  You tend to separate your every day life from your "holiday" life.  And I was brutally honest with him.  I am saddened by the lack of, well anything, from people I thought were my friends.  Let me explain...  I think I give a lot.  And I don't expect much in return.  I am a happy person.  I go out of my way to make sure my friends are ok.  But this last 6 months have taught me a lot.  I've learned that people don't like it when the naturally happy person they have always taken for granted becomes, well, a bit sad.

I can count on one hand the people who have kept in contact.  I can count on the one hand the people who have said "are you okay?".

I know people have lives. Busy lives.  But I wonder when people became, detached.

And I am not talking about my "social media" friends.  I am talking about people who have been a part of my life for many years. Every week.  Face to face.

In my life, at present, there is Lily and I.  Lily is a cat, for those who didn't know.  Sometimes I don't venture outside my house for 4 days on end.  And no one knows.  How did I become this person? 

I have come to realise that a lot of my friends are actually not my friends. They added a thin layer of veneer to an empty life.  Thanks for that.

I know I will be okay. I know I will get by.  I know that just because people don't contact you doesn't mean they don't care.  But at the moment I really just want to walk away from my life and be somewhere else.  Not here.

But I do know that one day it will be better.  Just not today and not tomorrow. But one day.