I am free! Read into that, unemployed, but free! I have spent the last few days binging on Netflix, staying in my PJ's and spending the days with my girls (Lily and Poppy, my cats, I am a mad old cat lady).
In between doing this I lunched with an old friend and we ate, we drank, we laughed and we reflected on the last 15 years. And he made a comment that I could not disagree with. He said, we, as in he and I (and his family of two beautiful children and lovely wife) are in the top 0.01% of the population (in Sydney). We suffer no financial hardship. We can pay our bills and we do not worry where the next dollar comes from. We can have lunch in nice places, have drinks with friends, buy nice things for our home and just take it day by day. The only things we want for are things we do not need. We want them but we do not need them.
We are not lucky. We made our own luck. We worked hard. And we are in an okay position in life. But it was hard work and sacrifice to get us to this point.
So as I go onto the next chapter, what ever that is, I need to remember that.
Axxxx
Sunday, 30 April 2017
Sunday, 2 April 2017
A Big Week...
I did three brave things this week. Although brave could be a bit over stated. One could be considered idiotic and two brave..
First the idiotic . I resigned. I resigned from my job. The corporate lunacy that has made me sick to the stomach for a while. I was calm. Concise. But I am sad also. I have spent nearly 6 years of my life there and I have learned so much from so many talented and kind people. But it is time to go find something new to do - and take a very long break and put myself back together after 3 very long years personally.
The second thing is I finished, for good, with a toxic person in my life. The one who once upon a time made me smile, who made my do mad things but who ended up being the one person who continually broke my heart. It was soooo much fun but one of us had to call time. I called time. About 14 months too late But I wasn't always a quick learner.
Third, I hung my hat on trying to get the body corporate in my unit block, the unit I only bought 4 months ago, to listen and act on a leak in my unit that affects not only me but most of them. They are a bunch of whiny morons who want to complain about EVERYTHING but want to take no action. They hide behind faceless emails yet we pass one and other in the hall way weekly. Here's cheers guys - when my roof collapses and everyone is in awe of the how and why, I tried to tell you for months this was a problem. You would not listen. So now I will wait for it to collapse. And worry about it then.
I am not sure where I belong anymore. It's not my old life - those people have no idea how to talk to me these days (point and case at a gathering today for a friend's birthday - I spent 4 hours smiling and trying not to break down - these people were once my friends, so I thought, now they avoid me like the plague, so I spent a lot of time watching the footy and just smiling). It is not my new life - I haven't managed to make one yet (except with said toxic person, so that's no good). I just have to keep trying. But even the strongest people eventually break. If someone asks me "are you okay" I think I will just break down. But I probably won't. I will say I am fine, how are you? I'll save the break down for the nights.
First the idiotic . I resigned. I resigned from my job. The corporate lunacy that has made me sick to the stomach for a while. I was calm. Concise. But I am sad also. I have spent nearly 6 years of my life there and I have learned so much from so many talented and kind people. But it is time to go find something new to do - and take a very long break and put myself back together after 3 very long years personally.
The second thing is I finished, for good, with a toxic person in my life. The one who once upon a time made me smile, who made my do mad things but who ended up being the one person who continually broke my heart. It was soooo much fun but one of us had to call time. I called time. About 14 months too late But I wasn't always a quick learner.
Third, I hung my hat on trying to get the body corporate in my unit block, the unit I only bought 4 months ago, to listen and act on a leak in my unit that affects not only me but most of them. They are a bunch of whiny morons who want to complain about EVERYTHING but want to take no action. They hide behind faceless emails yet we pass one and other in the hall way weekly. Here's cheers guys - when my roof collapses and everyone is in awe of the how and why, I tried to tell you for months this was a problem. You would not listen. So now I will wait for it to collapse. And worry about it then.
I am not sure where I belong anymore. It's not my old life - those people have no idea how to talk to me these days (point and case at a gathering today for a friend's birthday - I spent 4 hours smiling and trying not to break down - these people were once my friends, so I thought, now they avoid me like the plague, so I spent a lot of time watching the footy and just smiling). It is not my new life - I haven't managed to make one yet (except with said toxic person, so that's no good). I just have to keep trying. But even the strongest people eventually break. If someone asks me "are you okay" I think I will just break down. But I probably won't. I will say I am fine, how are you? I'll save the break down for the nights.
Tuesday, 7 March 2017
It's Been a While...
I sometimes wonder if my life is a soap opera.. A comedy.. A drama... Or just another usual life, on this planet, we call earth.
I've been quiet for a while. Between moving house, going home for Christmas, New Years, my birthday and work, which is insanely busy, I am just cruising along trying to do the best I can.
Moving into my new home hasn't all been sailing. I didn't realise how awful body corporates can be when it comes to unit living. Ouch. I won't bore you but it ain't pretty. There is always one.. Or two.. In this case, two... Who both happen to live on my floor.. I am sure you will hear more about them at some point. If I can be bothered talking about them.
My mum's health got progressively worse between Christmas and the last few weeks so she is now in permanent care. Heart breaking but necessary. My mum is 68. That is way too young to be in permanent care. I hope to be out playing golf, travelling the world at 68. Not stuck in an aged care facility where they "may" or "my not" get their medication on time (for Parkinson's this is imperative) because they have 70 people to distribute medication to (I am in no way slamming the care facilities, I am slamming the government for under funding for our aged population).
And today I officially withdrew from the foster to adopt program. It's a really hard slog. I have lived on tender hooks for 14 months. Not sure when things would happen, if at all. I started the process properly a few months ago, then it started, then slowed down and then everything happened with mum and I had to make a choice. So I made the choice to withdraw. Broke my heart. I will never be a mum. And yet anyone can have children. They don't have to go through assessments, interviews that last for hours, days of training, obtaining a first aid certificate, planning a bush fire escape, in detail, looking into schools. The list goes on. Again, I am in no way slamming the organisation I went through, I am sad that the government makes it so hard. I had a lot to offer.
And then there is Poppy. My new kitten who brings so much joy to my life and to Lily's life (my spoilt Ragdoll).
And then there is the fact my job is a total pain in the ass BUT due to workplace flexibility, I get to go home to see my dad over Easter and instead of having to fly in and out in 3 or 4 days, I get to spend 11 days there - working for the non public holidays. So as much as it is a pain in the ass, I persevere.
This is not a whine. It is just fact. I think everyone goes through it. It is just my way of explaining it.
Till next time.
Axx
I've been quiet for a while. Between moving house, going home for Christmas, New Years, my birthday and work, which is insanely busy, I am just cruising along trying to do the best I can.
Moving into my new home hasn't all been sailing. I didn't realise how awful body corporates can be when it comes to unit living. Ouch. I won't bore you but it ain't pretty. There is always one.. Or two.. In this case, two... Who both happen to live on my floor.. I am sure you will hear more about them at some point. If I can be bothered talking about them.
My mum's health got progressively worse between Christmas and the last few weeks so she is now in permanent care. Heart breaking but necessary. My mum is 68. That is way too young to be in permanent care. I hope to be out playing golf, travelling the world at 68. Not stuck in an aged care facility where they "may" or "my not" get their medication on time (for Parkinson's this is imperative) because they have 70 people to distribute medication to (I am in no way slamming the care facilities, I am slamming the government for under funding for our aged population).
And today I officially withdrew from the foster to adopt program. It's a really hard slog. I have lived on tender hooks for 14 months. Not sure when things would happen, if at all. I started the process properly a few months ago, then it started, then slowed down and then everything happened with mum and I had to make a choice. So I made the choice to withdraw. Broke my heart. I will never be a mum. And yet anyone can have children. They don't have to go through assessments, interviews that last for hours, days of training, obtaining a first aid certificate, planning a bush fire escape, in detail, looking into schools. The list goes on. Again, I am in no way slamming the organisation I went through, I am sad that the government makes it so hard. I had a lot to offer.
And then there is Poppy. My new kitten who brings so much joy to my life and to Lily's life (my spoilt Ragdoll).
And then there is the fact my job is a total pain in the ass BUT due to workplace flexibility, I get to go home to see my dad over Easter and instead of having to fly in and out in 3 or 4 days, I get to spend 11 days there - working for the non public holidays. So as much as it is a pain in the ass, I persevere.
This is not a whine. It is just fact. I think everyone goes through it. It is just my way of explaining it.
Till next time.
Axx
Sunday, 15 January 2017
Just Another Day...
I just spent a lovely weekend with a girlfriend and her friends on the far Northern beaches of Sydney. I had such a lovely weekend. On a boat in Pittwater, swimming, sipping a Corona (or two), meeting new people. Living.
I saw some of the beautiful houses people live in. I drank gin and tonic. I spent some time with some lovely people. I did it to make sure I get out and about, having lived under a mushroom for a few years.
And then I retuned to my little unit in the south of Sydney. The one I paid far too much money for. The one Lily and I call home. And I smiled. I walked in the door, opened my windows and doors, dumped my keys on the kitchen bench, and thought "this is my home". My home. And Lily's home. And no matter how small it is, no matter how much I paid too much for it, it is mine.
And I feel a little happier every day. But I still miss you. I wonder when that feeling goes away? Maybe tomorrow, but maybe not. Either way, I have my home.
xx
I saw some of the beautiful houses people live in. I drank gin and tonic. I spent some time with some lovely people. I did it to make sure I get out and about, having lived under a mushroom for a few years.
And then I retuned to my little unit in the south of Sydney. The one I paid far too much money for. The one Lily and I call home. And I smiled. I walked in the door, opened my windows and doors, dumped my keys on the kitchen bench, and thought "this is my home". My home. And Lily's home. And no matter how small it is, no matter how much I paid too much for it, it is mine.
And I feel a little happier every day. But I still miss you. I wonder when that feeling goes away? Maybe tomorrow, but maybe not. Either way, I have my home.
xx
Saturday, 31 December 2016
Hello 2017
So. 2016. You weren't great. But you weren't too bad either. You were a definite improvement on 2015. So I'll take that.
As I sit here on NYE still unpacking and trying to find places to stash things (one really needs to declutter in 2017), looking forward to going to a friends house a littler later today to see in the NY, I thought I'd jot a few things down I am grateful for that came out of 2016.
Buying my own home is # 1. I had no idea I could be so happy to get home. A far cry from living in the ghettos only a few short weeks ago. It is small, I paid a premium but it is mine and Lil's.
Travelling to Cananda and Cuba for a month is # 2. Who knew I had it in me, at 44 (ok, nearly 45) to go it alone for that long. But I did and I am super proud I created so many beautiful memories.
Meeting the person I shall always refer to as "my hippy" is # 3. It started with a lot of laughs and fun, taught me so much about just breathing and relaxing and then it was over (don't get me wrong it was terribly painful at times, but we tend to remember the good bits, don't we?). Thank you, you taught me so much. I still miss you, you were this huge part of my life for 10 months and then you were gone. As hippies have a tendency to do when they feel tied down. Be safe, take care of yourself. I think of you often.
Starting the foster to adopt program is # 4. I still have a very long way to go but maybe this time next year I will be getting ready to go to the 9pm fireworks instead of the midnight ones? I live in hope.
2017 is about continuing to learn to relax, breath and being mindful. It is about forgiveness and letting go of the past. Getting myself back on track (and I started that this year but it shall continue) and living. It is being grateful that Lily is happy and content these days, a far cry from 2 years ago.
It is going back to the gym, starting to cook again (I think I have shares in microwave meals, most of them rubbish) and appreciating what is in front of me.
2017 is no more tears. About getting out there and socialising. Trying new things.
Happy New Year to anyone out there reading this. I hope the year ahead is filled with love, laughter and new experiences.
Axxxx
As I sit here on NYE still unpacking and trying to find places to stash things (one really needs to declutter in 2017), looking forward to going to a friends house a littler later today to see in the NY, I thought I'd jot a few things down I am grateful for that came out of 2016.
Buying my own home is # 1. I had no idea I could be so happy to get home. A far cry from living in the ghettos only a few short weeks ago. It is small, I paid a premium but it is mine and Lil's.
Travelling to Cananda and Cuba for a month is # 2. Who knew I had it in me, at 44 (ok, nearly 45) to go it alone for that long. But I did and I am super proud I created so many beautiful memories.
Meeting the person I shall always refer to as "my hippy" is # 3. It started with a lot of laughs and fun, taught me so much about just breathing and relaxing and then it was over (don't get me wrong it was terribly painful at times, but we tend to remember the good bits, don't we?). Thank you, you taught me so much. I still miss you, you were this huge part of my life for 10 months and then you were gone. As hippies have a tendency to do when they feel tied down. Be safe, take care of yourself. I think of you often.
Starting the foster to adopt program is # 4. I still have a very long way to go but maybe this time next year I will be getting ready to go to the 9pm fireworks instead of the midnight ones? I live in hope.
2017 is about continuing to learn to relax, breath and being mindful. It is about forgiveness and letting go of the past. Getting myself back on track (and I started that this year but it shall continue) and living. It is being grateful that Lily is happy and content these days, a far cry from 2 years ago.
It is going back to the gym, starting to cook again (I think I have shares in microwave meals, most of them rubbish) and appreciating what is in front of me.
2017 is no more tears. About getting out there and socialising. Trying new things.
Happy New Year to anyone out there reading this. I hope the year ahead is filled with love, laughter and new experiences.
Axxxx
Sunday, 18 December 2016
My Week In Review
It has been a week.. A week of.. You won't believe it..
Earlier this week:
Tuesday: I moved house in 39 degree heat. Who cares I hear you say.. I don't. But the removalist might of..
Tuesday (part 2):
That moment when you're standing around watching removalists do their thing and say to the 20 year old: "I feel like a shag on a rock". Perfectly innocent saying I thought. But he just looks confused. I realise he has no idea what I'm taking about. Embarrassing. But not as embarrassing at error # 2. Same kid comes down the stairs, head down, saying you've left shoes upstairs. I go to get said shoes. Let's just say he'd unearthed a box (empty) I thought I'd thrown out a long time ago after a hens night. Nope. Dying of laughter all day was I. Cheers. I survived the heat. I moved on the hottest day in Sydney in 150 years. Yep, don't do things in halves.
Thursday:
That moment when you are laying there half asleep, feeling very happy and warm. Suddenly you feel someone pull at your arm so instinctively you let out a blood curling scream and punch your right arm out, connecting with intruders face. Then you feel a searing pain in your right arm and naturally assume you have been stabbed, so again you scream (louder). A second or two passes and you realise you are not in your bedroom but in the consulting room in a doctors surgery and the... person you have punched (in the face) is indeed the doctor who has come to remove the acupuncture needles from your arm. Yep, I hadn't been stabbed, nor had an intruder broken into my house. I had fallen into a deep sleep (how does this happen when you are having acupuncture??) and the searing pain was the pulsating needles I had dislodged from my arm when I punched the doctor in the face. Half the surgery came running and I died 1000 deaths on the bed, wondering how the hell I was going to face the "outside" world. I need a holiday (another one). I have made a hobby of making a moron of myself this week. Oh well, time to find a new acupuncturist I suspect.
Sunday:
Lily is quite the bloody escape artist!! I hung my wreath on my door and she must have slipped past me - so she was out wandering the halls for 15 minutes!! I hear this meowing - couldn't work out where it was coming from - realised, opened the front door and there she is sitting on the mat!!! Turd of a cat. On the upside she knows her new front door.
And finally...
Sunday:
My dad rang me a while ago. My Nan had a really bad fall yesterday. She has a fractured cheek, broken ribs and a bleed on the brain. There's nothing that can be done. I haven't seen her in 10 years, my mum hasn't seen her in 15. It is what it is. It is another story for another day. But rest assured there is a conversation to be had in my family.
Go Nanna, if that is what you want. I love you so very much. I am so sorry I haven't seen you, in for ever, it wasn't my fault. I promise you, you were such an important part of my life and I will remember you always.
Axxxx
Earlier this week:
Tuesday: I moved house in 39 degree heat. Who cares I hear you say.. I don't. But the removalist might of..
Tuesday (part 2):
That moment when you're standing around watching removalists do their thing and say to the 20 year old: "I feel like a shag on a rock". Perfectly innocent saying I thought. But he just looks confused. I realise he has no idea what I'm taking about. Embarrassing. But not as embarrassing at error # 2. Same kid comes down the stairs, head down, saying you've left shoes upstairs. I go to get said shoes. Let's just say he'd unearthed a box (empty) I thought I'd thrown out a long time ago after a hens night. Nope. Dying of laughter all day was I. Cheers. I survived the heat. I moved on the hottest day in Sydney in 150 years. Yep, don't do things in halves.
Thursday:
That moment when you are laying there half asleep, feeling very happy and warm. Suddenly you feel someone pull at your arm so instinctively you let out a blood curling scream and punch your right arm out, connecting with intruders face. Then you feel a searing pain in your right arm and naturally assume you have been stabbed, so again you scream (louder). A second or two passes and you realise you are not in your bedroom but in the consulting room in a doctors surgery and the... person you have punched (in the face) is indeed the doctor who has come to remove the acupuncture needles from your arm. Yep, I hadn't been stabbed, nor had an intruder broken into my house. I had fallen into a deep sleep (how does this happen when you are having acupuncture??) and the searing pain was the pulsating needles I had dislodged from my arm when I punched the doctor in the face. Half the surgery came running and I died 1000 deaths on the bed, wondering how the hell I was going to face the "outside" world. I need a holiday (another one). I have made a hobby of making a moron of myself this week. Oh well, time to find a new acupuncturist I suspect.
Sunday:
Lily is quite the bloody escape artist!! I hung my wreath on my door and she must have slipped past me - so she was out wandering the halls for 15 minutes!! I hear this meowing - couldn't work out where it was coming from - realised, opened the front door and there she is sitting on the mat!!! Turd of a cat. On the upside she knows her new front door.
And finally...
Sunday:
My dad rang me a while ago. My Nan had a really bad fall yesterday. She has a fractured cheek, broken ribs and a bleed on the brain. There's nothing that can be done. I haven't seen her in 10 years, my mum hasn't seen her in 15. It is what it is. It is another story for another day. But rest assured there is a conversation to be had in my family.
Go Nanna, if that is what you want. I love you so very much. I am so sorry I haven't seen you, in for ever, it wasn't my fault. I promise you, you were such an important part of my life and I will remember you always.
Axxxx
Monday, 12 December 2016
Pride
I am so proud of me right now. So very proud. I managed, on my own, to buy my own place. I negotiated with the real estate (quite well may I add), managed my broker (don't be fooled, you've got to stay on top of them) and my solicitor (he's actually very good, old school, but very thorough).
I have spent the last 3 weeks packing, okay, in between melt downs, and planning my move before Christmas. I have managed a full time job in between doing everything needed to buy a home. I have tried to plan my trip home (one week after I move) to ensure everyone has presents and the week I am home is filled with love and laughter (not that presents constitute love and laughter but you get my drift, one has to be prepared. By the way I have failed dismally at this. Gift vouchers anyone??).
So tomorrow dawns a new day. It is the day I move forward after an interesting two years? I ask that as a question as I am still not sure I will get my shit together, but I will give it a damn good try.
2016 was nowhere near as hard as 2015. Yet it presented its own challenges. Most wo/man made (read, I created them). I spent 10 moths "dating" someone and I use the term loosely, only to wake up at the end of 2016 still single (he found internet dating and social media, apparently it was far more interesting than I. I know, it floored me as well.. I have to say that - it's called self preservation). Am I sad. Yes. Is it going to define me in 2017? No.
I am moving tomorrow, to my new home, just Lily Cat and I. I am excited. Scared. Worried about being a responsible home owner who needs to shut her mouth at work in order to pay said home loan (save me, god give me strength) and most of all, scared I am going to be lonely. That's not new - but lonely in a new place in new.
So cross your fingers for me. This time tomorrow it is all over. The moving that is. The rest is all in front of me.
Ax
P.S. I miss you.
I have spent the last 3 weeks packing, okay, in between melt downs, and planning my move before Christmas. I have managed a full time job in between doing everything needed to buy a home. I have tried to plan my trip home (one week after I move) to ensure everyone has presents and the week I am home is filled with love and laughter (not that presents constitute love and laughter but you get my drift, one has to be prepared. By the way I have failed dismally at this. Gift vouchers anyone??).
So tomorrow dawns a new day. It is the day I move forward after an interesting two years? I ask that as a question as I am still not sure I will get my shit together, but I will give it a damn good try.
2016 was nowhere near as hard as 2015. Yet it presented its own challenges. Most wo/man made (read, I created them). I spent 10 moths "dating" someone and I use the term loosely, only to wake up at the end of 2016 still single (he found internet dating and social media, apparently it was far more interesting than I. I know, it floored me as well.. I have to say that - it's called self preservation). Am I sad. Yes. Is it going to define me in 2017? No.
I am moving tomorrow, to my new home, just Lily Cat and I. I am excited. Scared. Worried about being a responsible home owner who needs to shut her mouth at work in order to pay said home loan (save me, god give me strength) and most of all, scared I am going to be lonely. That's not new - but lonely in a new place in new.
So cross your fingers for me. This time tomorrow it is all over. The moving that is. The rest is all in front of me.
Ax
P.S. I miss you.
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