It's Been a While...

I sometimes wonder if my life is a soap opera..  A comedy..  A drama...  Or just another usual life, on this planet, we call earth.

I've been quiet for a while.  Between moving house, going home for Christmas, New Years, my birthday and work, which is insanely busy, I am just cruising along trying to do the best I can.

Moving into my new home hasn't all been sailing.  I didn't realise how awful body corporates can be when it comes to unit living.  Ouch.  I won't bore you but it ain't pretty.  There is always one..  Or two..  In this case, two...  Who both happen to live on my floor..  I am sure you will hear more about them at some point.  If I can be bothered talking about them.

My mum's health got progressively worse between Christmas and the last few weeks so she is now in permanent care.  Heart breaking but necessary.  My mum is 68.  That is way too young to be in permanent care.  I hope to be out playing golf, travelling the world at 68.  Not stuck in an aged care facility where they "may" or  "my not" get their medication on time (for Parkinson's this is imperative) because they have 70 people to distribute medication to (I am in no way slamming the care facilities, I am slamming the government for under funding for our aged population).

And today I officially withdrew from the foster to adopt program.  It's a really hard slog.  I have lived on tender hooks for 14 months.  Not sure when things would happen, if at all.  I started the process properly a few months ago, then it started, then slowed down and then everything happened with mum and I had to make a choice.  So I made the choice to withdraw.  Broke my heart.  I will never be a mum.  And yet anyone can have children.  They don't have to go through assessments, interviews that last for hours, days of training, obtaining a first aid certificate, planning a bush fire escape, in detail, looking into schools. The list goes on.  Again, I am in no way slamming the organisation I went through, I am sad that the government makes it so hard.  I had a lot to offer.

And then there is Poppy.  My new kitten who brings so much joy to my life and to Lily's life (my spoilt Ragdoll).

And then there is the fact my job is a total pain in the ass BUT due to workplace flexibility, I get to go home to see my dad over Easter and instead of having to fly in and out in 3 or 4 days, I get to spend 11 days there - working for the non public holidays.  So as much as it is a pain in the ass, I persevere. 

This is not a whine.  It is just fact.  I think everyone goes through it.  It is just my way of explaining it.

Till next time.

Axx

Just Another Day...

I just spent a lovely weekend with a girlfriend and her friends on the far Northern beaches of Sydney.  I had such a lovely weekend.  On a boat in Pittwater, swimming, sipping a Corona (or two), meeting new people.  Living.

I saw some of the beautiful houses people live in.  I drank gin and tonic.  I spent some time with some lovely people.  I did it to make sure I get out and about, having lived under a mushroom for a few years.

And then I retuned to my little unit in the south of Sydney.  The one I paid far too much money for.  The one Lily and I call home.  And I smiled.  I walked in the door, opened my windows and doors, dumped my keys on the kitchen bench, and thought "this is my home".  My home.  And Lily's home.  And no matter how small it is, no matter how much I paid too much for it, it is mine.

And I feel a little happier every day.  But I still miss you.  I wonder when that feeling goes away?  Maybe tomorrow, but maybe not.  Either way, I have my home.

xx

Hello 2017

So.  2016. You weren't great. But you weren't too bad either.  You were a definite improvement on 2015.  So I'll take that.

As I sit here on NYE still unpacking and trying to find places to stash things (one really needs to declutter in 2017), looking forward to going to a friends house a littler later today to see in the NY, I thought I'd jot a few things down I am grateful for that came out of 2016.

Buying my own home is # 1. I had no idea I could be so happy to get home.  A far cry from living in the ghettos only a few short weeks ago.  It is small, I paid a premium but it is mine and Lil's.

Travelling to Cananda and Cuba for a month is # 2.  Who knew I had it in me, at 44 (ok, nearly 45) to go it alone for that long.  But I did and I am super proud I created so many beautiful memories.

Meeting the person I shall always refer to as "my hippy" is # 3.  It started with a lot of laughs and fun, taught me so much about just breathing and relaxing and then it was over (don't get me wrong it was terribly painful at times, but we tend to remember the good bits, don't we?).  Thank you, you taught me so much.  I still miss you, you were this huge part of my life for 10 months and then you were gone.  As hippies have a tendency to do when they feel tied down.  Be safe, take care of yourself.  I think of you often.

Starting the foster to adopt program is # 4.  I still have a very long way to go but maybe this time next year I will be getting ready to go to the 9pm fireworks instead of the midnight ones?  I live in hope.

2017 is about continuing to learn to relax, breath and being mindful.  It is about forgiveness and letting go of the past.  Getting myself back on track (and I started that this year but it shall continue) and living.  It is being grateful that Lily is happy and content these days, a far cry from 2 years ago.

It is going back to the gym, starting to cook again (I think I have shares in microwave meals, most of them rubbish) and appreciating what is in front of me.

2017 is no more tears.  About getting out there and socialising.  Trying new things.

Happy New Year to anyone out there reading this. I hope the year ahead is filled with love, laughter and new experiences.

Axxxx

My Week In Review

It has been a week..  A week of..  You won't believe it..

Earlier this week:

Tuesday:  I moved house in 39 degree heat.   Who cares I hear you say..  I don't.  But the removalist might of..

Tuesday (part 2):
That moment when you're standing around watching removalists do their thing and say to the 20 year old: "I feel like a shag on a rock". Perfectly innocent saying I thought. But he just looks confused. I realise he has no idea what I'm taking about. Embarrassing. But not as embarrassing at error # 2. Same kid comes down the stairs, head down, saying you've left shoes upstairs. I go to get said shoes. Let's just say he'd unearthed a box (empty) I thought I'd thrown out a long time ago after a hens night. Nope. Dying of laughter all day was I. Cheers. I survived the heat. I moved on the hottest day in Sydney in 150 years. Yep, don't do things in halves.

Thursday:
That moment when you are laying there half asleep, feeling very happy and warm. Suddenly you feel someone pull at your arm so instinctively you let out a blood curling scream and punch your right arm out, connecting with intruders face. Then you feel a searing pain in your right arm and naturally assume you have been stabbed, so again you scream (louder). A second or two passes and you realise you are not in your bedroom but in the consulting room in a doctors surgery and the... person you have punched (in the face) is indeed the doctor who has come to remove the acupuncture needles from your arm. Yep, I hadn't been stabbed, nor had an intruder broken into my house. I had fallen into a deep sleep (how does this happen when you are having acupuncture??) and the searing pain was the pulsating needles I had dislodged from my arm when I punched the doctor in the face. Half the surgery came running and I died 1000 deaths on the bed, wondering how the hell I was going to face the "outside" world. I need a holiday (another one). I have made a hobby of making a moron of myself this week. Oh well, time to find a new acupuncturist I suspect.

Sunday:
Lily is quite the bloody escape artist!! I hung my wreath on my door and she must have slipped past me - so she was out wandering the halls for 15 minutes!! I hear this meowing - couldn't work out where it was coming from - realised, opened the front door and there she is sitting on the mat!!! Turd of a cat. On the upside she knows her new front door.

And finally...  

Sunday:
My dad rang me a while ago. My Nan had a really bad fall yesterday. She has a fractured cheek, broken ribs and a bleed on the brain. There's nothing that can be done.  I haven't seen her in 10 years, my mum hasn't seen her in 15.  It is what it is.  It is another story for another day.  But rest assured there is a conversation to be had in my family.  

Go Nanna, if that is what you want.  I love you so very much.  I am so sorry I haven't seen you, in for ever, it wasn't my fault.  I promise you, you were such an important part of my life and I will remember you always.

Axxxx

Pride

I am so proud of me right now.   So very proud.  I managed, on my own, to buy my own place.  I negotiated with the real estate (quite well may I add), managed my broker (don't be fooled, you've got to stay on top of them) and my solicitor (he's actually very good, old school, but very thorough).

I have spent the last 3 weeks packing, okay, in between melt downs, and planning my move before Christmas.  I have managed a full time job in between doing everything needed to buy a home.  I have tried to plan my trip home (one week after I move) to ensure everyone has presents and the week I am home is filled with love and laughter (not that presents constitute love and laughter but you get my drift, one has to be prepared.  By the way I have failed dismally at this.  Gift vouchers anyone??).

So tomorrow dawns a new day.  It is the day I move forward after an interesting two years?  I ask that as a question as I am still not sure I will get my shit together, but I will give it a damn good try.

2016 was nowhere near as hard as 2015.  Yet it presented its own challenges.  Most wo/man made (read, I created them).  I spent 10 moths "dating" someone and I use the term loosely, only to wake up at the end of 2016 still single (he found internet dating and social media, apparently it was far more interesting than I.  I know, it floored me as well..  I have to say that - it's called self preservation).  Am I sad.  Yes.  Is it going to define me in 2017?  No.

I am moving tomorrow, to my new home, just Lily Cat and I.  I am excited.  Scared.  Worried about being a responsible home owner who needs to shut her mouth at work in order to pay said home loan (save me, god give me strength) and most of all, scared I am going to be lonely.  That's not new - but lonely in a new place in new.

So cross your fingers for me.  This time tomorrow it is all over.  The moving that is.  The rest is all in front of me.

Ax

P.S. I miss you.

White Ribbon Day

The 25th of November signifies a very special place in my heart.  I think we all know that.  White Ribbon Day.  #stoptheviolence

I wrote a blog about five years ago.  You will find it here:  It Can Happen To Anyone

It outlines the life of someone who never thought they would end up in the situation they did.  Once you read that blog, continue on and read how that person still lives with what happened, if not every day, then at least every now and then.

In 2016, 16 years after she left the violence, when she was in a situation where she felt quite safe and okay.  He then raised his hand.  Let me explain.

About 9 months ago, she was with a friend.  Eating dinner. Relaxing on the balcony.  Laughing.  Feeling safe.

He was telling a story.  They were laughing.  So much.  So relaxed.  So happy.  He then threw his hand in the air, to embellish a story.  It was so innocent. 

As he threw his hand she jumped.  She did more than jump.  She shimmied so far away from the table it was like she had heard a bad 80's song and was about to dive under the table, shamed at being caught recognising a song that was so old..

He stopped.  He looked confused.  She was like a deer in head lights.  Then it dawned on him and he said: "I'm sorry, did you think I was going to...  Hit you?.."

It was me.  Of course it was me.  You knew that?  Right?

I didn't tell him the story that night, I created another story that soon had us laughing (something about mosquitos).... I was too ashamed. How do you tell someone about that period of your life?  How do you say "I was that person"?  I was one of the people that the "whiteribbon campaign" is about?

And then I sucked it up.  And I carried on.  Because I am ashamed.  But I shouldn't be.  But I am.  I still have panic attacks.  Occasionally I feel like my heart is about to burst out of my chest.  I create not so great scenarios in my head.  And then I cop on. 

I am a successful woman.  I have a good job.   I have a good life.  But there are still scars.  But they are in my head.  They are not physical.  Sometimes I wish they were physical.  Because physical scars fade.  Mental scars affect your every day life.  Not every day, but certainly they play a part in the person become.  You do stupid things that you regret 2 minutes later, simply because you have flash backs and react to situations you feel you have no "control over".  You become this person that has to control EVERY outcome.  And that leads to heart ache.  So you see, even 16.5 years later, this period of my life plays a part in my life today.

But I am one of the lucky ones.  I'm here telling you this - so many others are not so lucky.  So I live with my mistakes, I breath and I cop on.

Cuba - Part 4 - Trinidad

Trinidad Cuba not to be confused with Trinidad and Tobago took 8 hours to drive from Havana.It was a long day..

Trinidad is a cobbled town, so don't take your high heels, it is flats all the way!  The roads are uneven and full of pot holes.  It is a quaint town, with a population of approximately 138,000.

I didn't like it nearly as much as Vinales but I suppose that was to be expected as it has a population of about 129,000 more.  The only way I can describe my feelings towards Trinidad is I thought it was sleazy..  This could be because I wandered the town with a few women from the tour and we were propositioned at every new street.  Either that or laughed at.  For what reason we are still not sure.

I really don't have anything else to say about Trinidad, it wasn't my favourite town in Cuba and there were no real redeeming features to be honest..

I stayed in a nice casa but the hosts weren't as friendly as Tita and her family.  I got a little ill here as well.  So did my travelling companion.  As she is a vegetarian we had no food in common for the whole day so I put it down to the welcome guava juice we got when we arrived at our shared casa.  It wasn't too bad but I have travelled a lot and only ever been ill once (in Thailand and I think someone slipped something in my food as I was hallucinating about blue elephants for hours..) so I was surprised.  But never fear, I had immodium - I was the travelling medical kit.  Just as well.

I spent a good 4 hours on Ancon Beach, which is beautiful.  I hired a sun bed, about 2 CUC ($AUD2) for the day and pulled up under a palm tree.  The water was clear and very blue, the sand was quite grainy, the water was like a warm bath..  There is a small café in a wall, they come down to the beach and take drink orders, the food is okay too.  DO NOT buy food off the vendors who walk along the beach.  It is hard to keep food fresh in Cuba and this food has been known to cause terrible food poisoning.

One thing I noted while in Cuba is as much as it is hot and humid, I did not get sun burnt at all.  Yes, I wore sun cream but only applied it once a day (naughty) and I was fine.  Still take it with you though, better to be safe than sorry.

And that's a wrap for Trinidad.  Till tomorrow.