The 25th of November signifies a very special place in my heart. I think we all know that. White Ribbon Day. #stoptheviolence
I wrote a blog about five years ago. You will find it here: It Can Happen To Anyone
It outlines the life of someone who never thought they would end up in the situation they did. Once you read that blog, continue on and read how that person still lives with what happened, if not every day, then at least every now and then.
In 2016, 16 years after she left the violence, when she was in a situation where she felt quite safe and okay. He then raised his hand. Let me explain.
About 9 months ago, she was with a friend. Eating dinner. Relaxing on the balcony. Laughing. Feeling safe.
He was telling a story. They were laughing. So much. So relaxed. So happy. He then threw his hand in the air, to embellish a story. It was so innocent.
As he threw his hand she jumped. She did more than jump. She shimmied so far away from the table it was like she had heard a bad 80's song and was about to dive under the table, shamed at being caught recognising a song that was so old..
He stopped. He looked confused. She was like a deer in head lights. Then it dawned on him and he said: "I'm sorry, did you think I was going to... Hit you?.."
It was me. Of course it was me. You knew that? Right?
I didn't tell him the story that night, I created another story that soon had us laughing (something about mosquitos).... I was too ashamed. How do you tell someone about that period of your life? How do you say "I was that person"? I was one of the people that the "whiteribbon campaign" is about?
And then I sucked it up. And I carried on. Because I am ashamed. But I shouldn't be. But I am. I still have panic attacks. Occasionally I feel like my heart is about to burst out of my chest. I create not so great scenarios in my head. And then I cop on.
I am a successful woman. I have a good job. I have a good life. But there are still scars. But they are in my head. They are not physical. Sometimes I wish they were physical. Because physical scars fade. Mental scars affect your every day life. Not every day, but certainly they play a part in the person become. You do stupid things that you regret 2 minutes later, simply because you have flash backs and react to situations you feel you have no "control over". You become this person that has to control EVERY outcome. And that leads to heart ache. So you see, even 16.5 years later, this period of my life plays a part in my life today.
But I am one of the lucky ones. I'm here telling you this - so many others are not so lucky. So I live with my mistakes, I breath and I cop on.
